Update from the B's...

Thank you so much for walking Christian's story with us. We appreciated every prayer that went up on his behalf. These months have been hard...I still cry almost every night...but I have been so entrenched in work that the days go by relatively quickly. Returning to work was very positive though and I am so thankful for the blessed distraction of such wonderful colleagues and students.

We still have so many questions and ironically, I haven't been able to write a word about it. I'm so tired. Tired of grief and tired of walking this so publicly sometimes. The days that are good make me feel guilty for moving on, but when it's bad the only thing that helps is Rescue Remedy and hugging Christian's bear until I fall asleep. It's exhausting.

In spite of all of that, we are blessed. We have reason to hope again.

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I haven't blogged about it yet because I wanted to protect my students, who have also been following our story, until we have passed our first trimester milestone. At this point, however, it's more than obvious that I'm not exactly losing weight.... =)

Our first ultrasound revealed that everything is looking good, but it was frustrating to not be able to see very much and know that the anatomy is developing normally. For that confirmation, we'll need to wait another 6 weeks (aka an eternity) from now. It was such a hard day. I felt superstitious and nervous all day long. In addition, we received a late sympathy card THAT DAY. As hard as I tried to convince myself that I don't believe in bad luck, I'll be honest in admitting it was a struggle. We intentionally went to have the u/s performed at a different location than Magee, but as soon as we walked in, I saw the same tech who did Christian's first ultrasound and had to give us some of the worst news of our lives.

At that point, I broke down. I struggled to fill out the necessary paperwork about how many pregnancies and children I have (or rather, don't have). I was shaking when we went in and wasn't sure if I even wanted to see the screen at first. Seeing the heartbeat was great. It made this all feel a bit more real, but I confess that most days I'm still in a state of unreality about it.

If you would continue to pray for us and this new little life, we would be honored. Some days it is almost impossible not to cave in to fear. The thought that this could be anything like before reduces my strength and faith to shreds. Although the doctors are extremely optimistic that everything will be fine, I do not have the experience of "fine" to refer back to for reassurance. We are truly in need of strength and the "peace that passes all understanding".

We hope you all are happy and well. When things calm down a bit, I'll get back to blogging. Come on, summer!!

Thank you again for being part of our journey.