Today is the one month anniversary of Christian's passing. I can't believe it. It's so crazy how fast life goes by, with such little regard for the significance of events or how ready we may be to move on. Sometimes it almost seems cruel that we have days...many days...where things actually seem ok. I can't help but feel guilty on those days. Are we really 'over it'? We have, in essence, been grieving since September. Sometimes the whole thing seems so far away or like a dream...like I dreamed my whole pregnancy.
Then nighttime comes.
Every night, the whole journey replays in my mind. I lay awake for what feels like hours and re-live everything. That's when then full weight of loving Christian and missing him hits the hardest. Matt and I just hold each other and let ourselves feel the pain because it helps us to feel close to him again. To remember those precious moments with him, and the heartbreaking details of that day, almost comforts us that we're not forgetting him. He wasn't a dream. He was our son. He was beautiful and perfect and he was ours...and we miss him and want him back.
Every night as I fall asleep (whenever that eventually happens) I pray that I can see him in Heaven...just to catch a glimpse of him in a dream and know he's ok. I haven't seen him..not once. I dream about so many crazy and random things, but I have never once dreamed about Christian. It's hard, almost like I'm being denied something so simple that I would hold onto forever. I suppose the point now is to remind me to trust in what I KNOW and yet haven't seen: that Christian is healed, whole, and happy in Heaven with Jesus and our loved ones. They are taking good care of him until Matt and I have the chance to be there with him too.
It has taken me all of this month to try to reconcile the fear I feel about God's will for our lives, and it's not gone yet. It's one thing to grow up learning and hearing that He's in control and has a plan for us, but it's quite another to be hit full in the face with the realization that His plan may require great suffering and pain, even loss...sometimes many losses. Keeping the faith in spite of that knowledge has been such a challenge for me right now and yet I've always known it, just never actually known it like this.
Sometimes other people say it so much better, you know? I heard this song the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. I was on my bed surrounded by unfolded laundry and when this came on I stopped and stared out the window with tears streaming down my face. This is where we are right now. I want to share it with you because I'm sure so many of you can also put yourselves in this song. If it's at all possible, I encourage you to actually seek it out and listen to it because the music is so powerful and it will resonate with you. The song is called Here's My Life and it is performed by a group called BarlowGirl.
Once again I said my goodbyes
To those who I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far
God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life
On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all
God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more
Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me
God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more, here's my life
Even through the pain and my fear, this is my underlying feeling: to trust and keep trudging on, knowing that my life is His, He loves me and it's not all for nothing. Even though it's still hard for me to sing or speak these words out loud, today I can write that I trust Him. I trust him with my life and the lives of those I love...all of you.
We will be closing our site soon, probably within a few weeks, but there is something I would like to share with you first that isn't ready yet. We don't want to abuse the CaringBridge venue as Christian's illness is technically over, but this has been the easiest way to keep everyone connected and updated. We've posted some pictures of us about a month before Christian's delivery and hopefully we'll have some new pictures soon. Thank you for staying with us even now. It has been so healing to be able to connect with you this way. Every visit and every guestbook entry has been such a gift and we'll always cherish the fact that so many people loved Christian right along with us.
Many thanks and much love,
Matt & Amy
Then nighttime comes.
Every night, the whole journey replays in my mind. I lay awake for what feels like hours and re-live everything. That's when then full weight of loving Christian and missing him hits the hardest. Matt and I just hold each other and let ourselves feel the pain because it helps us to feel close to him again. To remember those precious moments with him, and the heartbreaking details of that day, almost comforts us that we're not forgetting him. He wasn't a dream. He was our son. He was beautiful and perfect and he was ours...and we miss him and want him back.
Every night as I fall asleep (whenever that eventually happens) I pray that I can see him in Heaven...just to catch a glimpse of him in a dream and know he's ok. I haven't seen him..not once. I dream about so many crazy and random things, but I have never once dreamed about Christian. It's hard, almost like I'm being denied something so simple that I would hold onto forever. I suppose the point now is to remind me to trust in what I KNOW and yet haven't seen: that Christian is healed, whole, and happy in Heaven with Jesus and our loved ones. They are taking good care of him until Matt and I have the chance to be there with him too.
It has taken me all of this month to try to reconcile the fear I feel about God's will for our lives, and it's not gone yet. It's one thing to grow up learning and hearing that He's in control and has a plan for us, but it's quite another to be hit full in the face with the realization that His plan may require great suffering and pain, even loss...sometimes many losses. Keeping the faith in spite of that knowledge has been such a challenge for me right now and yet I've always known it, just never actually known it like this.
Sometimes other people say it so much better, you know? I heard this song the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. I was on my bed surrounded by unfolded laundry and when this came on I stopped and stared out the window with tears streaming down my face. This is where we are right now. I want to share it with you because I'm sure so many of you can also put yourselves in this song. If it's at all possible, I encourage you to actually seek it out and listen to it because the music is so powerful and it will resonate with you. The song is called Here's My Life and it is performed by a group called BarlowGirl.
Once again I said my goodbyes
To those who I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far
God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life
On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all
God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more
Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me
God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more, here's my life
Even through the pain and my fear, this is my underlying feeling: to trust and keep trudging on, knowing that my life is His, He loves me and it's not all for nothing. Even though it's still hard for me to sing or speak these words out loud, today I can write that I trust Him. I trust him with my life and the lives of those I love...all of you.
We will be closing our site soon, probably within a few weeks, but there is something I would like to share with you first that isn't ready yet. We don't want to abuse the CaringBridge venue as Christian's illness is technically over, but this has been the easiest way to keep everyone connected and updated. We've posted some pictures of us about a month before Christian's delivery and hopefully we'll have some new pictures soon. Thank you for staying with us even now. It has been so healing to be able to connect with you this way. Every visit and every guestbook entry has been such a gift and we'll always cherish the fact that so many people loved Christian right along with us.
Many thanks and much love,
Matt & Amy
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